Written by a Wife, to other Wives

Marriage is not easy.

Anyone that says that it is-is either full of shit, or a doormat.

I say that with love.

 

I am an independent woman, always have been. I am the oldest of 6 children, and I was trained to be a mother from the birth of the second.

My husband, God Bless his heart, is the youngest of 3. All 5 years apart. He was trained to be loved, and to be taken care of.

Look at that coincidence.

I was trained to take-care-of, and he was trained to be taken-care-of.

 

This is a common recipe for co-dependency disaster.

And it could have easily went that direction. Still could, I suppose.

 

There is something that is very hard for me to focus on.

That first I must give Christ ALL my love, foremost, He must receive it all in order for my love for Drew to be fulfilling and wonderful.

Huh? This kind of sucks, because I want to give Drew ALL of myself, because he deserves it, because he is my husband, right?

I also think that if Christ gets all my love, I’ll be different.

I think things like-

“UGH, how much time does Christ need?” “I don’t WANT to give up wordly things, I like wordly things” “I’ll lose who I am, I won’t be ‘Hannah’ anymore, I’ll be some religious woman walking around wearing a rosary and shouting ‘Jesus Loves your Sweet Soul’ ”

Psalm 139:13 says this:

“For you created my inmost parts, you knitted me together in my mother’s womb”

This says to me:

He planned me.

Knitting takes time, it takes skill. He took TIME on me. He took TIME thinking about the way I would look, and the way I would speak. He made me exactly the way He imagined me, and in His eyes, I am Perfect.

As much as Drew loves me, or Cade loves me, or Porter loves me, nothing will compare to Christ’s love for me. Nothing. He loves me through all circumstances, without boundaries. It is truly an un-ending love, I think. I can’t even close to comprehend that.

That’s why He should get you first, Hannah.

That’s why, you need to be quiet and love Him back.

That’s why your marriage will never fully thrive if you aren’t talking to The Pops Upstairs.

+ when I begin to work on that Love. The one that is actually written with a period because it is CONFIDENT, and it is True, and it is NEVER CEASING, my marriage with Drew will grow.

It’s like bumpy marriages are ones that are thirsty.

And feeding them, makes the road so much smoother.

I know, quick to the point, and kinda of a rough but necessary subject.

Seek Him, and then seek him,

see what I’m saying?

Happy Marriage

xo

H

also- if you’re interested in donating for my Influence Conference trip in October, the link is here: http://fnd.us/c/8Krwb

SO appreciated and loved by all of you it is overwhelming!

 

 

My Influence

Okay-

I love to write.

I write ALL the time.

Financial plans, grocery lists, Prayers, To-do’s.

I just LIKE to write, I just do.

That really shouldn’t surprise you–especially if you follow me on Twitter (click over there to follow me –>) because that 140 character limit, OH that limit… you are a boundary I push to the MAX.

ANYWAYS,

I want to keep “An Airplane in a Birdcage” alive.

Because I want to always be someone who can laugh at her crap,

and someone who can make other women, other momma’s, feel like,

“Hey, I feel like I’m going crazy today. But guess what? That’s okay, because she feels like she is too.”

Blogs live and die daily (aka my Blogger and Tumblr)

But this one, this one has my <3,

it has a passion of mine that is strong, and never ceasing.

It is mine, and it is for all of you.

I am raising it into something that will stay in my life much like my children, and MAYBE even after my children.

Which is why, I need the assistance of you guys in something…

There is a FANTASTIC opportunity coming up in October.

Its goal is to provide help and guidance to lady bloggers who are also living their lives as Daughters of the King. As mothers raising Daughters of the Most High, and women who love to write and love to glorify God while doing it. It is a place where I can learn how to raise “An Airplane in a Birdcage” into something that will be able to help support my family, and even something that can help support ya’ll in your ventures/future ventures. (Think Advertising…. J)

It’s October 11-13^th, 2012 and it’s happening in Indianapolis, Indiana.

I will meet & learn with people who are doing what I’m doing and succeeding, and helping people, and turning words into something that is a medicine for lonely hearts, and lonely people.

I want this trip.

I want these relationships.

I want this knowledge.

I want “An Airplane in a Birdcage” to be something you can all be proud of. As my friends AND as my readers.

So- as you can imagine, the trip will be PRICEY AS EFF.

Well, not EXTREMELY pricey as eff, but pretty pricey as eff.

All my headband sales from this moment until this conference, are going directly to the trip.

I’ll be releasing an Etsy page soon with a BRAND SPAKIN’ NEW logo for you all to look at and know me by.  If you’re in the market for some hair glitz, take a gander at my Facebook and check out what is to come! Let me know what you think too!

But-

Here’s what I’m asking:

I want your help.

Whether that be financially or whether that be praying for guidance for me, or maybe, just sharing this post.

Just think of me, and pray for me, and want this with me.

And pray for me.

And pray for this.

Xo

-H

And I never get e-mails from actual people. It’s always spam.  Send me one sometime.

anairplaneinabirdcage@yahoo.com

Live, Today

This has literally been a week of Pure Shit.

And yes, Pure Shit gets capitalized, because it was THAT freaking terrible.

 

 

Want a recap?

July 3^rd: Hannah purposefully gets hit by a car in a parking garage

July 4^th: Hannah + Fam drive 30 minutes to pool, pool loses power + closes.

July 5^th:  Took both kids to grocery; wanted to punch myself in the forehead

July 6^th: Shit. Hits. Fan.

July 7^th: Aftermath of July 6^th

July 8^th: Dayton Air Show, Awesome. Except I fried my legs/ cooler full of food got stolen./ Aftermath of July 6^th.

July 9^th (Today): Swimming. Fried my already fried legs from July 8^th/ Aftermath of July 6^th.

 

Needless to say, I am emotionally, physically, mentally, spiritually drained.

(When swimming today at Lake Logan, I debated staying in the peace of the water forever.)

 

 

Anyways, through this past week of,  I’ve done a lot of talking to Jesus. A lot of personal, one-on-one chatting, where I talk to Him about things I’m thinking that He already knows, such as-

 

-my crazy battle with postpartum depression/anxiety I am trying to get through and it is HARD.

-the absolute shock of being pregnant with Porter, which probably caused the crazy battle I’m facing with postpartum depression/anxiety.

-the financial side of choosing to be a SAHM

-the way I was raised/how that has affected me today/how that affects my marriage/how that affects my choices/how that affects my parenting

-my dreams, as Hannah, not as Mrs. Spencer, and not as Cade and Porter’s mom

-etc, etc, etc.

 

And then?

He spoke.

*chills*

 

His response is always extremely peaceful.

When He speaks to me, it is short, and it is strong, and it rings in my ears for days.

He said,

 

“Look around. Look at what I have given you. Be patient. There is a time for everything. Be content in the now. Life is a brief gift.”

 

U h – h u h .

Talk about a big-fat, wonderful slap in the chops? AMIRIGHT!?

Enjoy the Now.

That’s what I got.

I got, shut up woman. I AM blessing you, you are just refusing to see it, because you are human, and you are greedy, and you are selfish, and you always want-want-want.

 

O P E N  Y O U R  E Y E S  S W E E T  D A U G H T E R  .

 

Here’s the thing, the point, whati’mgettingat.

We are so quick to point out when Christ “doesn’t answer our prayers”.

–Examples: finances, timing, marriages, churches…

And when “He doesn’t answer our prayers”, we start to focus on those areas. For those Instagram users out there… we use the blur tool. We make everything else unimportant, we choose to ignore EVERYTHING ELSE that He has done for us, and we focus on the one thing we absolutely thought we needed. That we ABSOLUTELY thought was CRUCIAL to our lives.

Well Guys, I’m getting a newsflash.

If it’s crucial?

It. Will. Come.

But ?

Our time isn’t right.

His time?

is perfect,

And when “He’s not answering”.

Open your eyes,

Look at your body.

Are you clothed? In fashion?

Are you fed?

Are you bathed?

Were you given the breath of life?

Was your womb USED to give the breath of life?

 

Exactly.

We gotta get rid of that blur filter,

And remember the life outside of the focus.

 

-If tomorrow is double as bad as today, We will remember that we are always blessed, always loved, always His, and that is enough.

Stop focusing,

-xo

H

 

My effed up view of “Beautiful”

Yesterday, was a really good day.

1-      Because we met a family we LOVE at the pool, and had a really good time all while trying to tan my amazingly pale legs. Snow White’s body? NO. Snow White’s complexion? Yes.

2-      Because I learned something about myself, and maybe about you, too.

And that is?

I have a REALLY effed up view of what “Beautiful” is.

Let me give you some history here.

I was 230 pounds my junior year in high school. I chose to be homeschooled, and ate my feelings like a felon. 230 pounds isn’t so bad, but it definitely IS bad for a girl who weighed 70 pounds less than that the year before. So, I am the top scale of self-conscious.  I really am.

NOT TO MENTION: the terrible jokes that were aimed at me my SENIOR year, about my uncanny resemblance to Drew Carrey? Apparantly? My glasses were identical to his, and I was crushed many a days due to cruel jokes from cruel boys.

Fast Forward-

At the pool, I was people watching/stalking/creeping/checking out all these women. But didn’t realize I was SCRUTINIZING everything about them, until about an hour into doing it.

“Ew, look at her in that bikini, doesn’t she know what she looks like?” “Oh my gosh, are you kidding? She MUST be the most gorgeous woman, WHY can’t I look like her” “Does she understand that that is just not something a woman of her size should be wearing? I wouldn’t wear that!” “My husband must wish I looked like her… if I looked like her, he’d be happy.” “My legs would be so much more attractive if they looked like hers.”

 

NOW-

I AM NOT A SKINNY PERSON.

I AM SIX FEET TALL AND A CURVY SON OF A GUN

 

And yet, even I jump down people’s throats, and I’m realizing it’s due to one thing:

We worship one body, one eye-color, one hair color, one skin complexion, one voice.

And GOD FORBID you are different, because if you are, you will try with all your might to get there.

Not ringing a bell?

Let’s make it a little clearer.

BLONDE HAIR IS THE ULTIMATE.

BLUE EYES ARE THE ULTIMATE.

SIZE 0 IS THE ULTIMATE.

34C IS THE ULTIMATE.

FIVE FOOT FOUR IS THE ULTIMATE.

At least, that’s what society says, right?

Do we or do we not tan to get the perfect color? Do we or do we not fry the CRAP out of hair trying to achieve the blonde? DO WE OR DO WE NOT EITHER THINK OUR BOOBS ARE TOO BIG, OR TOO SMALL!

And we’re doing it, because we want to fit-in. So we don’t stand out.

It really is that reason, I mean, check yo’ selves, I did.

It’s so the truth, it’s so the woman mindset, and it doesn’t help that this society is totally fixated on this one body type. Maybe once a year, Cosmo will feature a few Plus-Size Beauts in their mag. Oh, and remember Dove’s campaign? The gorgeous “we are for all sizes, and all sizes are beautiful, and love yourself” campaign? Guess what. That stopped REAL quick.

Because guess what sells? Guess what we woman want to look at? We want to look at the ideal woman, not at ourselves…

Disgusting. I am disgusted with myself. With how much I scrutinize others, and with how much I scrutinize myself.

The point of this post is this: Though I encourage you to eat a healthy diet, to be emotionally, and mentally, and physically, working correctly, you are gorgeous whether you are 100 pounds or you are 800 pounds.

 

Beautiful is NOT One Dimensional. Beauty is NOT what you see in a magazine, it is much more than that.

You will look in the mirror daily, and love yourself.

You will look in the mirror daily, and see beauty.

Because we are beautiful.

We really are.

Keep your head high, and your heels higher, ladies.

All You mini’s and you Marilyn’s.

-H      xo

When people say they love my blog: A Toast

Oh Mother of God.

Nothing makes me happier than hearing that someone likes what I write.
That it’s relative to their life somehow, that they get what I’m saying…

and when I say “they get what I”M saying”
I mean,they’ve been through it and understand how I felt and they want to do a fist bump.

*fist bump*

I’ve been in this ‘not writing’ stage for the past few days,
It’s been an extremely… Christ-seeking? Is that even..?

Well, I’m gonna use it, anyway.
It’s been an extremely Christ-seeking past few days, and I was too exhausted to even write.

 

You’re probably wanting to know what I’m seeking, right?

I’m trying to figure out if what I WANT for my life is what GOD WANTS for my life,

and for my f a m i l y .

And when there are children involved, and in my case, there are two,

it becomes obviously important to seek Him before I make any big decisions.
I mean, it should be obvious anyway, but my children, my nutty kids, make it.. like… unavoidable.

in a good way, obvs.

 

So, with that said, I will tell you something.

I’ve only mentioned this to my husband and my friend Megan.

and that is.

I NEED:

This Caribou Coffee Tumbler.

I need it so bad it makes me sick, but I’m waiting for my darling husband to get the picture (cheese, babe, i need this.)

14.99 and a little more cute than everything ever.

 

Also-I would love to be a blog assistant, too. Someone, somewhere, should pay me to write. That’d be BA.

Happy Saturday Folks.

 

xo

-H

Positivity on a Tuesday

I am currently realizing a lot about myself.

Top of the list being:

‘i can do anything, and everything, all on my own”

 

 

 

 

–if you are a mom, check out this show, because it is FABULOUS, and we love it.–

I seriously think that.
I feel like,
I stress myself out WAY too much because in all reality, I’ve been taught to handle a lot. To have my plate SO FULL that I don’t even feel good when I accomplish things, because the list goes on.
And, the truth is, I probably can do most things. With Christ, and my crazy independent nature,
I’m almost positive if I needed to build an airplane, I’d figure it out.It might take awhile, but I’d figure it out.

That’s not good, that’s insane.
Why? Why should I worry about things all on my own?
Why should I attempt to do things that others have been blessed with the ability to love and do better than I can?

I’m learning to allow other people to do things for me.

I’m going to try to allow other people to do things for me more often.
It is OK, when Drew does the dishes.
It is OK, if I spend the money on a ready-made blog theme.
It is OK, that someone else brings dinner, and you supply the drinks. (da drinks, yum.)
It is OK, that you can’t figure something out. It really is. You tried.

It’s OK, Hannah, that other people are better at things, than you are.
It is, stop trying to take the cake, every single time.
LET THEM BE AWESOME AND APPLAUD THEM.

That’s all.
I was made to do certain things better, and most things worse, and some things not at all.
like, building a friggin’ airplane.
and that’s totally okay.

I like that things are being revealed to me.
know why?
because I’m seeking Him.

-xo

H

When Faith Stops

I woke up yesterday, feeling.. lazy.
As wonderful as Sunday’s are, they are our Saturday.
Since my husband’s schedule in Tuesday through Saturday,
I cherish time with him, and the time we are both able to enjoy (or not enjoy, whatev) our children.

With that said, I didn’t make time in the morning for Christ.
I figured,

“I’ll just take a break today, to enjoy my family, I’m with Him everyday.“

 

 

I know.
What was that justification, besides

s t u p i d i t y .

 

Throughout the day, I became discouraged, depressed, frustrated, grumpy, and losing faith… fast.

Our finances, our situation, My relationship with Christ.. I was upset.
I couldn’t think of why.
I just continued to struggle within ALL DAY,
and went to bed without even a thought as to why.

This morning, Drew woke up early to do dishes,
I struggled through terrible dreams last night,
terrible, realistic dreams,
where I lost control of not only myself but my life.
(control? my life?)

So I started my coffee, I kissed my husband,
I got out my journal..

 

-my journal is currently the open pages of an old notebook. My devo notes go in between Cade’s cat-scratch drawings, baby name options, financial layouts,and occasionally phone numbers-

I had to do yesterday’s first, since my choice was to skip it.. and wouldn’t you know.. the verse was Phillipians 5:11-12.

Paul was talking about learning to live through times of plenty and times of hardship,
and the importance of being thankful for it ALL.

 

oh, Hannah… you should’ve read yesterday.

 

My heart was filled.
I was so hurt yesterday,
I was SURE I was going to need to intervene and create a path to “being okay”.
But if I would have just… listened to Him yesterday, and read the Word, He would have revealed to me exactly what He did today, and that is..

My Babygirl,

Be thankful, You are in My hands, and My hands are Capable.

 

Love, LOVE, that even through disobedience,
He looks at me like I am a sunset,
and even a sunset, is pale in comparassion of His love for His children.

 

Be humbled, today.
Be gracious, today.
Be Happy.

xo

-H

 

5 Things I Creep On

Okay, SO.

I have nothing to say, because I don’t want to spin words tonight.
I’m more in the mood to…

 

sleep forever and ever and ever.
and text my lady friends.

Instead of writing nonsense, I’m going to provide you with a list of people I stalk,
I don’t know half of them, except through the actual stalking, I feel like they could be
…friends?
on the webmosphere.

 

IF WHEN you need a little something to keep you entertained, or because it’s a Saturday night, and you’re friggin bored, check this list.

1.) Current Favorite Blog (Tied between 2):

The Heir to Blair

click me to go there. <—

I like this blog, because she’s super real. She’s ‘touchable’ if you get what I mean. She is super gifted in the Humor Department (Aisle 1, in my Supermarket) And I have been super stalking her for the past 3 days on Twitter, and on Instagram, and on her Blog. THAT GOOD. All women, especially momma women, check this out.

Coconut Robot

click me to go there <—-

I’ve been stalking THIS lady for around a year. She is INSANELY, INSANELY gifted at.. oh you know, all things. I love reading this. ONE because the layout of the site is hella good. TWO because she is just… more sweet than sugar. So gracious, and loving, and her writing style reflects such a pure heart. AND THREE because she is one of two women who started She Reads Truth. A group of women, around the world, who are reading, loving, supporting, dreaming, crying, and praying together, and documenting the journey here.

2.) Photography ❤

Open Vision Photo

click me to go there <—

First off, it’s a husband and wife team, and I love the marriage. I do. It is inspiration in itself. Their love is… Dear Lord Baby Jesus… miraculous. I am moved to tears sometimes, seriously. The pictures are fabulous. Especially, the wedding ones, (go figure!). The lighting, the emotion, the… vintage feel of it all just gets me heart. (I meant to say ‘me’ there, I felt a little like I was expressing the Irish side of my heritage)

3.) Etsy Shop

Snow Machine

click me to go there <—

Okay. She’s cool. I creep on her big time. On Instagram, especially, because she’s COOL. She makes the most ridiculously necessary baby goods EVER. If you have a child, then go here. It’s not even something you should be thinking about. Just instinctively click the link, you’ll understand, promise. Also, I’m waiting to order one. I have been for awhile, but… I wanted to wait for Port and Cade to get them together. What’s the next Holiday? Can we buy presents for… My parent’s Anniversary? Even though they’re divorced? Is that something… Nevermind.

4.) Place to Laugh

Some E-Cards

click me to go there

Can’t handle it. I really can’t. The Old Fashioned Pictures and the wording. I can’t handle it. I think I send my hoemance Keely, (hey, giiiirl) a picture once a week. I once sent her 4 in a day… *sigh* I don’t even feel a little ashamed, I could pee my pants.

5. MARILYN FREAKING MONROE

Because of this picture. (Thanks for posting it on FB Artsy Fartsy)

It is 90 degrees, and our AC is kaput.

I AM DYING.

Not kidding and Not over exaggerating,

(okay maybe a little)

but i’m being dead serious in the respect that,

I. Am. Crazy. Hot.

I woke up drenched in either breastmilk or sweat,
–probably a little bit of both.
And have been just sitting in this same spot on my charcoal-colored leather couch since 9 am.
Because it’s too friggin hot to move.
Because if I move, I will sweat,
and once the sweating starts…

it don’t stop.

The point of this is:
If you have AC, don’t leave today.
If you don’t have AC, leave today,
If you don’t have AC, and you don’t have a vehicle,

well then you’re sol, just like me.

Happy Hot Friday, everyone!

xo-

H

PS-I refuse to bathe until Winter. There ain’t no way I’m soaking in a tub of warm water.

The Man.

I am always second guessing myself.
I am literally always stressed, full of anxiety, pissy,

you get the picture.

 

But, with my dad and younger sister both living in our 2 bedroom home, I’ve been extra on edge. Everyday feeling the urge to get a Full Time day job to make up the difference with utilities, and food, and RENT.

DEEEEAR LORD, THE RENT.

 

I’ve prayed daily for a door to open.
For some opportunity to contribute financially to my gracious and merciful husband.
As he is not only supporting his wife, his son, his daughter,

but now?

He adds his sister-in-law and his father-in-law.

 

What an amazing, amazing man.

Jesus hasn’t opened any doors, yet.
in fact, everytime I pray about it,

I AM CONVICTED.

I feel like He is saying,
“There are women that I want to work, that NEED to work,
I need you at home, with your children,
For now.”

But, Lord…you don’t understand

&

Lord, what if.. the car breaks down? How will we even afford to fix it?
Lord…. I’m BEING patient, but NOTHING  IS   HAPPENING.

…because for some reason, I forget who I’m dealing with.

The Creator of All.

 

So I desired to start the new She Reads Truth Devo today,

which is weird because I was so tired.
but my soul…

was  t h i r s t y .
So, He said,

“Drink.”

Whoa, Daddy-O, you are so fantastic.

 

It was about worry.
And how WHEN we worry,
we are actually saying,

“Lord, JUST IN CASE, you don’t come through, I’M making a back-up plan.”

 

I cried.
I literally bawled.
Because of my doubt, because of my total identity in things that everyone else thinks is important, because it’s 90 degrees in my house, because I felt for the first time in my life, like He heard me, He’s working on me.

 

Kind of a sporadic post, but,

just know.. that when you ask the Father for direction,
and you lay down ALL other expectations, plans, ideas in YOUR mind,
He’ll friggin lead you.

 

as, always,
He’s got us.

xo

-H